The four loves give four different ways of caring for all beings. This is one of my favourite practices. In Buddhism, they’re called the Four Immeasurables, or Four Boundless States.
Four Loves Kindness, Compassion
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loving kindness, friendliness – let’s start with nature where it’s easiest – imagine you see a bird or a tree – a mouse – something you feel friendly towards – a bee, a flower – feel what it feels like to feel friendly and gently loving toward these creatures – find the feeling in your body so it’s not just an idea – the actual feeling – you look at a beautiful flower, a bee lands on it – what does your body feel like – does it light up seeing the bee and the flower, or the birds singing –
walking in the bush – the gentle enjoyment of the beauty and power of the bush – the perfume of the flower – the smell of the bush – or the sea – feel the wellbeing – the kindness – loving wellbeing of those things –
now with people – maybe the person at the shop – your neighbours, friends – feel loving kindness – open friendliness – to people around you – nothing special, nothing intense – the kind of friendliness where everyone’s all right one way or another – you might even not like them – they’re still all right – still wanting happiness like you are – again what is the feeling in the body – is it warmth, gentleness, openness –
these other people are just like me – basically they want a good life – they want to be happy – we’re all like the birds, bees and flowers – we’re all living creatures – this kindness just sees that here’s another living creature – whether it’s a human or animal or a tree – there’s a specialness about that – preciousness about living beings – so just be kind –
now for a minute or two turn that on yourself – this is the most difficult person to be kind to probably – you could try looking at yourself from the outside, as if you were somebody sitting nearby – that might help – look at yourself as another person to be kind to – another creature who wants happiness – who is a living being like the bird – give kindness to yourself – that friendliness –
if you notice any feelings come up like, oh I don’t deserve it, I’m no good – give kindness to those feelings – be kind to your sense of not having confidence – be kind as you would to someone else who you thought needed some kindness around that – oh sometimes I don’t feel confident – be friendly to that – confident or not, I’m a precious creature like the bird or flower or bee – so it’s good to be kind to me because I’m a living creature like everyone else – how does that feel in the body –
now we’ll move to the second love, compassion – compassion for suffering – let’s again start with nature – range around and see what comes up – whether it’s something local that you worry about – birds locally – or whether it’s the Australian fires that killed so much wildlife – there’s plenty in nature at the moment to cause us compassion – what’s that feeling for the koalas – wanting to help the koalas, get them saved and keep on living – some of them have been terribly burnt – it brings us to care for them in this compassionate way – what is it like in the body –
compassion is not just about saying, oh you poor koalas, how terrible – it’s also wanting to care for creatures in trouble – what can I do for the birds who are thirsty – put out a bird bath – do something to help – feel that caring –
same with people – how do you feel when your friends are in trouble – when children hurt themselves – you may not be able to fix it all – but you can care – all us women we know about this – we know how to care for people – we know this compassion one very well –
maybe one thing we have to do is find ways of caring that don’t drain us – compassion can be overwhelming – you can just give and give and give because the poor person needs it, then end up drained – how could you care in ways that keep you in balance as well –
can you feel that state in your body – that you could care and not be drained – sometimes it might be just, you know when a child hurts itself you can’t take the pain away but you can have the child on your knee – and just sit with it – give it the strength from you being there – that’s compassion –
what about yourself – how do you find it when you give compassion to yourself – I feel miserable, I feel sick, I don’t have any confidence – what do you do then – do you berate yourself – you’ll have the child on your knee, but do you berate yourself when you need it – I shouldn’t feel bad about myself – –
spend the next couple of minutes giving yourself compassion – because again you’re just another living being who’s in trouble – or I’ve just made a mistake – doesn’t have to be terrible pain – how do you treat yourself when you’ve made a mistake – can you be compassionate – I could have done that better – maybe I didn’t handle that bit of the meeting as well as I think I could have – can I be compassionate to myself –
again keep it in the body as much as possible – how does this feel in the body – I haven’t done as well as I wanted today – can I be compassionate to myself – what does this feel like in the body – treat yourself like an uncomfortable koala – what does it feel like –
Four Loves Joy, Equanimity
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sympathetic joy – rejoicing in sympathy with people’s goodness – or the goodness of nature – we’ll start with nature – the glory, the beauty, the wonder of nature – rejoice in that – how come this living creature, this bird is out there singing its heart out – how amazing – the joy – a friend of mine said, I’ve got some birds nesting outside my window – what does that feel like – it’s magic to enjoy the little birds being fed – hearing their squeaks – rejoice in the glory of nature – not hard –
now let’s move to people – people are natural creatures too – isn’t it amazing that people have all these faculties – we can be healthy and do things – we have these wonderful minds – we’re in sympathetic joy, delighting in the glory of these natural beings, these human beings – we can forget – we can think, oh that person’s not behaving themselves – actually they’re glorious – like a bird –
and look what they’ve done – when the kids pass their exams and they’re happy in their jobs – all the stuff that makes people happy – or they’ve achieved something – go through your friends, who’s happy at the moment – rejoice with them –
support is needed – it’s hard for people sometimes to stay in happiness – they say oh well I only got second prize – encouragement and support for happiness is really important – you did that really well my friend – feel in the body, what it’s like when you can help people appreciate their own goodness – you’re really good at that you know – you’ve done a great job – really feel what is it like in the body to support and encourage others in their achievements – in their happiness –
now yourself –the hardest person – this is really important for women – most of the time women when we achieve something we’re not appreciated – we’re too aggressive – we’re too much – we’ve done it wrong somehow – we tend to internalize it and take it out on ourselves – I can never be good enough – so as women we need a good dose of encouraging ourselves and appreciating what we do – even if others find fault – which they will probably often – I did well – I’m proud of myself – I’ve got some wisdom about this –
or if it’s too hard to say, I am proud of myself – put yourself out in front of yourself as if you were someone else – look at that person and say, she did well or you did well – look what she’s done – that bit of the meeting I did a good job – I got people talking – look at them, they’re all talking well – I helped that – celebrate yourself in your achievements – how does it feel in the body – does it feel the same as when you were encouraging your friends – and appreciating birds in their nest – is it the same or different – is it harder – might need some more practice – this is practice – what we’re doing here is practicing – training ourselves to love in all these different ways –
the last one, equanimity – this is a state of love – probably not so exciting as sympathetic joy or compassion – relax into a state of peaceful being with whatever happens – this is not saying, oh those riots over there, yes well I can just be peaceful about it – it’s not holding back from your feelings about things – it’s not withdrawing – people often feel equanimity might be withdrawing – not being involved – or not caring – this is a state of love – it might be a challenge to stay in a peaceful state of love while contemplating riots – explore that – what is the feeling when you can be open – open to the suffering of the riots – open to your own response – your anger – and still in a state of love –
often activists cannot do this and get burnt out – with all their frustration, anger and desperation about trying to save this or that – and fears about climate change – activists have a big challenge with this – even what’s happening in your own life – never mind activists – we need to find a space where we can have our feelings and stay in a state of love – explore what is that like – in the body – what are the feelings in the body as I say these things –
sometimes difficult things happen – sometimes joyful things happen – I can stay in the moment with each of them – with the pain and the joy – not try to demand that it all has to be nice – just be there with whatever is happening right now –
respond to it with peaceful love in the depth – this is very deep – deep love – below the surface where the waves are rocking about – like being under the ocean – the great powerful peaceful depth of the ocean – can you maintain that equanimity when you look at your own life – the ups and downs- and the ups and downs in your performance – sometimes you do really well – sometimes you have a bad hair day and make a mess – say things you shouldn’t – can you maintain the sense that in the depth there is love – whether my day is brilliant or not so brilliant – rest in that love – whatever happens – rest and relax in it – in a general expansive state of love – what does that feel like in the body – in your own life –
if thoughts carry you off like, oh I’m doing really badly – dreadful things are happening – just be very compassionate to these thoughts and emotions that arise – can you be compassionate to your thoughts about how badly you’re doing for example – dissolve them in the ocean – or find your own way of filling them with peaceful acceptance – this is wise love – relax and rest in it –